I had one of those dreams this morning where you swear it was real... you can smell, hear and touch things and just know that you are there...
I was in my kitchen trying to wash dishes, but the water wouldn't get hot and the other side of the sink kept clogging up. Then, my Uncle Bill came up behind me and said, "Why didn't you say hi to me?" I turned around to him and he picked me up and hugged me and said "I love you, kid." And I could feel him... his wiry frame as he hugged me, his cheek against mine. And I said, "I love you too." Then he pulled away and was gone.
My Uncle Bill has been dead for almost 18 years. He was killed in a motorcycle accident in September 1991, just a few days after his 34th birthday. It was such a blow to my family - so sudden and so unnecessary. This is the first time I have ever dreamed about him. And I can't believe that I still remember how he felt, how his voice sounded and how he smelled. I don't know what the dream means. I hadn't been thinking of him lately. I guess it is funny what the mind will do.
I have been spending all day trying not to cry... I guess I should just let it go and see if that helps.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Bellyachin' (Pun Intended)
So, if you know me, you know how much I hate my self-proclaimed "Trucker Belly" and that I have been considering plastic surgery to fix it. Well, consideration over. The tummy tuck is scheduled for August 21st.
I finally got tired of fantasizing about wearing pants that actually fit... so I made an appointment for a consultation with Dr. Vishnu Rumalla in Keller. Mr. Fix-it and I went to the consultation on June 30th and it was eye-opening. There is nothing like an examination gown, full-length mirror, purple surgical marker and a plastic surgeon kneeling in front of you while tucking your belly in on itself to make the realization more clear that your stomach is fully jacked up.
It was kind of amazing, actually. When he opened my gown, he immediately said, "oh, okay, you carried your babies high and they were very large." Score one for the good doctor. He explained that the reason why I have what I will refer to as my "top poochie" is because I carried the kids high, thus my abs were separated (by several inches) and that no matter how much exercise I do (ab work or cardio), it will not go away. In fact, he said that by working my abs I was making it worse because I was strengthening them in the wrong position. Who knew?
The area of skin/fat he is going to remove measures in at 10 inches long and 17 inches wide. But he said that it will only weigh 3 or 4 pounds. Insane. He is also going to lipo my flanks (which makes me feel like a cut of beef) and my inner thighs. He said that he "loves" my outer thighs (score two for the doc), but that my inner thighs have a pocket that will be difficult to lose. Suck away! I'm already going to be in pain, pain, pain, so why not?
So, as I count down the days (31) until this momentous occasion in my life, I begin to wonder if I am just being vain. And I will admit that vanity plays a large part of it. However, I think about how my undies are always falling down and how my pants are always saggy in the butt (both because my waist is about two sizes bigger than my hips, not to mention the "bottom poochie" that has to housed somewhere) AND the fact that my lower abs hurt like hell any time I do any kind of exercise. And I think it is okay to want this and to do this for myself. Maybe it's kind of stupid, but I feel like once this out-of-whack part of my body is gone, that I will have more confidence in myself in general. And I know I will be more motivated to complete my body/health transformation without the Trucker Belly weighing me down.
Stay tuned...
I finally got tired of fantasizing about wearing pants that actually fit... so I made an appointment for a consultation with Dr. Vishnu Rumalla in Keller. Mr. Fix-it and I went to the consultation on June 30th and it was eye-opening. There is nothing like an examination gown, full-length mirror, purple surgical marker and a plastic surgeon kneeling in front of you while tucking your belly in on itself to make the realization more clear that your stomach is fully jacked up.
It was kind of amazing, actually. When he opened my gown, he immediately said, "oh, okay, you carried your babies high and they were very large." Score one for the good doctor. He explained that the reason why I have what I will refer to as my "top poochie" is because I carried the kids high, thus my abs were separated (by several inches) and that no matter how much exercise I do (ab work or cardio), it will not go away. In fact, he said that by working my abs I was making it worse because I was strengthening them in the wrong position. Who knew?
The area of skin/fat he is going to remove measures in at 10 inches long and 17 inches wide. But he said that it will only weigh 3 or 4 pounds. Insane. He is also going to lipo my flanks (which makes me feel like a cut of beef) and my inner thighs. He said that he "loves" my outer thighs (score two for the doc), but that my inner thighs have a pocket that will be difficult to lose. Suck away! I'm already going to be in pain, pain, pain, so why not?
So, as I count down the days (31) until this momentous occasion in my life, I begin to wonder if I am just being vain. And I will admit that vanity plays a large part of it. However, I think about how my undies are always falling down and how my pants are always saggy in the butt (both because my waist is about two sizes bigger than my hips, not to mention the "bottom poochie" that has to housed somewhere) AND the fact that my lower abs hurt like hell any time I do any kind of exercise. And I think it is okay to want this and to do this for myself. Maybe it's kind of stupid, but I feel like once this out-of-whack part of my body is gone, that I will have more confidence in myself in general. And I know I will be more motivated to complete my body/health transformation without the Trucker Belly weighing me down.
Stay tuned...
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Bacon, The Karmic Equalizer...
I burned myself last night making dinner... I had a pan fresh out of the oven in my potholdered hand, then I grabbed it with my un-potholdered hand. I really just burnt the side of my middle finger, it hurt, but it is not serious. But I thought, Damn that really hurt.
So, this morning I was making some bacon (telling myself that I could have some for breakfast because I was really just making it to crumble on top of spinach tonight and that I might as well cook all six slices), which quickly evolved into a bacon, egg and provolone toasted sandwich. As I was assembling the sandwich in the freaking hot pan - SIZZLE. Yep, that'd be my wrist. Now I have a two inch long pink blister going across my wrist. Especially painful when showering or trying to use the computer keyboard or mouse.
The moral of this story? I'm not sure. But it seems that maybe the universe is trying to tell me to stop justifying the consumption of bacon. :)
So, this morning I was making some bacon (telling myself that I could have some for breakfast because I was really just making it to crumble on top of spinach tonight and that I might as well cook all six slices), which quickly evolved into a bacon, egg and provolone toasted sandwich. As I was assembling the sandwich in the freaking hot pan - SIZZLE. Yep, that'd be my wrist. Now I have a two inch long pink blister going across my wrist. Especially painful when showering or trying to use the computer keyboard or mouse.
The moral of this story? I'm not sure. But it seems that maybe the universe is trying to tell me to stop justifying the consumption of bacon. :)
Friday, March 20, 2009
I Am So Proud of Me!
So, I have to brag on myself just a little bit... after today, I will have exercised for FIVE, count'em, FIVE days in a row. Yowza. I am still in a bit of shock.
How long have I been doing this? Struggling with the weight... the body image... since junior high, I guess. Now I look back at pics from high school, when I thought I was a tub of lard, and think "wow, I was kinda hot." I am not trying to get back to the high school weight - I am a realist after all. I am done with diet books, protein shakes and all that mumbo jumbo - irrational programs that do not help sustain weight loss or a healthy life.
My brain is finally firing appropriately... I must exercise almost every day... it is a requirement, like taking shower and brushing my teeth. I must not eat just because it tastes good, because I am stressed out, because there is a tub of Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla in the freezer... :)
I still have a ways to go (like, 22 pounds), but I've already lost 10. So really, I'm a third of the way to my goal.
AND I got to move three pairs of jeans and one shirt from the "too small" rack of my closet to the "it fits" rack of my closet. Yay!!
Even when I am done, my stomach will still look like a melted candle from having three c-sections, but perhaps if I am a good girl I can get a tummy tuck for my 34th birthday. :)
How long have I been doing this? Struggling with the weight... the body image... since junior high, I guess. Now I look back at pics from high school, when I thought I was a tub of lard, and think "wow, I was kinda hot." I am not trying to get back to the high school weight - I am a realist after all. I am done with diet books, protein shakes and all that mumbo jumbo - irrational programs that do not help sustain weight loss or a healthy life.
My brain is finally firing appropriately... I must exercise almost every day... it is a requirement, like taking shower and brushing my teeth. I must not eat just because it tastes good, because I am stressed out, because there is a tub of Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla in the freezer... :)
I still have a ways to go (like, 22 pounds), but I've already lost 10. So really, I'm a third of the way to my goal.
AND I got to move three pairs of jeans and one shirt from the "too small" rack of my closet to the "it fits" rack of my closet. Yay!!
Even when I am done, my stomach will still look like a melted candle from having three c-sections, but perhaps if I am a good girl I can get a tummy tuck for my 34th birthday. :)
Monday, March 2, 2009
Retrain My Brain
I have this friend, we will call her Heidi, who also happens to be my "upline" for my Passion Party and Traveling Vineyard businesses. She is also going through one bitch of a divorce with an ex-husband that is even worse than my estranged husband (I didn't know it was possible, but lo and behold)... She is also a stay-home mom that is making her living through the Passion Parties and Traveling Vineyard, though she is much more successful at it than I am.
She is always telling me that I will only get back what I put out into the world - meaning that if I have a cynical, negative, bitchy view, that is what I will receive back. This is something that I have never really considered before, since I am the Queen of Cynicism and Sarcasm. Of course, I realize the irony of having a blog titled about the karma of returning shopping carts... so obviously, I must put SOME stock into the belief that what comes around goes around (Ratt, anyone?).
I had vowed that today, yes, TODAY, I was going to have this bright, new attitude as I call about a job I don't want, call the unemployment office about extending my benefits, have a phone meeting with my attorney about the RIDICULOUS demands that The Donor is trying to insert into the mediated divorce decree that we have already agreed on, take care of two little ones still in diapers, dispairing over my trucker-belly, frustrated that my businesses are going nowhere and that Mr. Fix-It is gone. Again.
I guess I am not off to a good start.
She is always telling me that I will only get back what I put out into the world - meaning that if I have a cynical, negative, bitchy view, that is what I will receive back. This is something that I have never really considered before, since I am the Queen of Cynicism and Sarcasm. Of course, I realize the irony of having a blog titled about the karma of returning shopping carts... so obviously, I must put SOME stock into the belief that what comes around goes around (Ratt, anyone?).
I had vowed that today, yes, TODAY, I was going to have this bright, new attitude as I call about a job I don't want, call the unemployment office about extending my benefits, have a phone meeting with my attorney about the RIDICULOUS demands that The Donor is trying to insert into the mediated divorce decree that we have already agreed on, take care of two little ones still in diapers, dispairing over my trucker-belly, frustrated that my businesses are going nowhere and that Mr. Fix-It is gone. Again.
I guess I am not off to a good start.
Friday, February 20, 2009
How I Love That Man O' Mine
So Mr. Fix-It was sharing a car ride to downtown Fort Worth with one of his management cohorts from the corporate office the other night...
As they were driving, they saw a woman in a skirt walking down the street. Mr. Corporate Management says wistfully, "I remember when my wife had legs like that." Mr. Fix-It replied, "My wife still has legs like that," to which Mr. Corporate Management said, "F@&# you."
It may not be true... but at least he is blinded enough by love to believe it. :)
As they were driving, they saw a woman in a skirt walking down the street. Mr. Corporate Management says wistfully, "I remember when my wife had legs like that." Mr. Fix-It replied, "My wife still has legs like that," to which Mr. Corporate Management said, "F@&# you."
It may not be true... but at least he is blinded enough by love to believe it. :)
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Bitch and Moan
Wow, I can't believe it has been over three weeks since I wrote my last blog. Time seems to be slipping away from me and I can't get ahold of it. Things I have been looking forward to (my birthday, our trip to Oklahoma) are now gone... and I am left wondering "well, what now?"
Of course, this time leakage is doing nothing for my impending divorce... the weeks keep slipping by... and I am no less divorced than I was over three months ago when we went through mediation and AGREED on everything. So, I am not sure why I am still married to man that makes my skin crawl while all that needs to be done is the signing of the document.
In Texas, there is a 30 day wait to get a marriage license after a divorce is final. Then a three day wait after the license is obtained to get married. Mr. Fix-It and I really want to get married in March or April... May and June are bad months for us... too many birthdays, my niece/nephew will be born then and those were our previous wedding anniversary months. Trivial? Maybe.
Then we get into July... and that's five freaking months from now. I am trying my best to be a pain in the ass to my attorney without totally pissing off their office manager, but let's face it, I am not always the most patient (or tactful) person in the world.
Not to mention the fact that The Donor is not paying child support as he is supposed to - he is currently 48 days late on January and 16 days late on February and NOTHING is happening to him. Anyone who says that the courts are female-friendly need their heads pulled out of their asses.
Ok, I think I am done for now. But stay tuned... cuz I'm still really freaking frustrated.
Of course, this time leakage is doing nothing for my impending divorce... the weeks keep slipping by... and I am no less divorced than I was over three months ago when we went through mediation and AGREED on everything. So, I am not sure why I am still married to man that makes my skin crawl while all that needs to be done is the signing of the document.
In Texas, there is a 30 day wait to get a marriage license after a divorce is final. Then a three day wait after the license is obtained to get married. Mr. Fix-It and I really want to get married in March or April... May and June are bad months for us... too many birthdays, my niece/nephew will be born then and those were our previous wedding anniversary months. Trivial? Maybe.
Then we get into July... and that's five freaking months from now. I am trying my best to be a pain in the ass to my attorney without totally pissing off their office manager, but let's face it, I am not always the most patient (or tactful) person in the world.
Not to mention the fact that The Donor is not paying child support as he is supposed to - he is currently 48 days late on January and 16 days late on February and NOTHING is happening to him. Anyone who says that the courts are female-friendly need their heads pulled out of their asses.
Ok, I think I am done for now. But stay tuned... cuz I'm still really freaking frustrated.
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